What a road!

So, I never thought I'd be married.  Ever.  No, really...ever. For me, being single and not being defined by a relationship was the most important choice I had made in my twenties, if not most of my life up until then.

At thirty,  I was single, happy and completely content on my own.

Then I met Doug and my world changed.

To think that I never wanted to get married or be in a committed relationship now means that the last six years with him would not have have been the best years of my life.  I have no doubt become a better person because of meeting him.  I am more comfortable in my own skin, accept myself more than I did, and truly know that I can die tomorrow, aware that I had a great love in my life.  I also know that I was able to risk it all, jump in and take the plunge, not knowing what to expect, but only hoping for the best.

I've been really lucky with my marriage.  Yes, it takes work.  Anything good in life takes work.  It's the easy path that end up being the most complicated, because if you arent working to improve yourself or your life, what is it that you are doing? No doubt we can all stand to challenge our own happiness and change our path if needed.

As I approach forty, I have to say that I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been.  I have recently decided to accept that I will always be "five pounds" above my ideal weight.  Why?  Because I love wine, I love food, and I love life.  For me, that means more than dieting and constantly beating myself up because I am not the size I was when I was single and in my twenties and early thirties.

Besides, I am healthy!  I eat well and exercise (at least 3 to 5 days a week), and only drink on the weekends.   Life is about moderation, but not deprivation.  If I want chocolate, I will find a way to have it!   Really, I can spend my time beating myself up because I am not my own "ideal" weight, or I can be happy and accept that I am who I am, and that my pant size does not dictate my life.  I refuse to live my life on a path, a plan or a agenda.  I know a lot of "busy" people, who in all honesty are just busying themselves with a plan or agenda because they think they have to.

I have recently decided to live my life from a much different perspective.  I am going to embrace everything with love, happiness and enthusiasm, one day at a time.  I think in life you have to embrace the unknown, and the simple things really go unnoticed if you don't take time to acknowledge how sweet they are.

We are all so busy comparing everything to everything, that we are losing the joy in the true experience of what we are doing.  We are worried about what we are NOT doing - what choices we did or didn't make, and instead of going with where the road leads, we question if the road we chose was correct.  I think most of us can stand to not worry about the road, but focus more on the journey.

Slow down...

Life goes by pretty quickly.  We all get caught up in a routine, schedule, and errands on a daily basis.  Things get complicated, no matter how simple we try to keep them.

Lately, I have noticed that I am exhausted from keeping up with myself.  I make myself very busy, all the time, and never seem to just go off auto-pilot.  I have realized that I haven't done just one thing at a time since College.  I've always had "something else going on".

Just look around you.  How many people just do one thing at a time?  When I was food shopping yesterday, I noticed very few people were just shopping.  Several were texting or on their phones.  I personally enjoy food shopping without distractions.  The point is, we very rarely stop to smell the roses, unless we are on vacation or out of town.

I started to really think about how I can truly disconnect.  For starters, I deleted all the time-wasting apps from my iPhone.   My iPhone is just, well, a phone, at least for now.
I also decided that if I'm watching TV or a movie, that's all I'm doing.  No more TV for background noise if I'm on the computer.  Same with the phone.  More small changes to come,  I'm sure.

Right now, I'm just living in the moment.  

Adventures in Marriage....and life.

One of the many reasons I love my husband, is that we are both constantly questioning our own status quo.  We march to the beat of our own drum, and pretty much live our lives on our own terms.  From trying veganism, to exploring our religious beliefs, to trying city life for two years, we are constantly changing things up.

We never like to accept that what we do to keep our lives and marriage interesting is "enough".   We love to learn something new and embrace adding it into our lives.  While we are creatures of habit (nothing pleases me more than a nice dinner at home and a movie on the couch after), we realize that life's journey is long, and can be made to feel even longer when you have a companion if you don't keep it interesting.

When we decided to go camping, we knew we would either love it or hate it.  This summer, we have both vowed to try new things.  Camping, parasailing, and other activities that get us up and out on the weekends are the priority.   There's only so many happy hours, drinks and appetizers you can have until it begins to feel repetitive and well, old.

My dad is a big fan of camping, and I knew he would be game to help us get acquainted with a new potential "hobby".  So, we set a date and started planning.

Doug and I found camping to be wonderful.  We were totally unplugged and disconnected, and were able to have actual conversations without distractions of TV or email looming overhead.  We definitely appreciated the little things, and realized how much time we spend worrying about stuff that really doesn't matter.  Sometimes your priorities can get out of focus.  We just needed a weekend away and totally isolated to realize how little we need to be happy.

Makes that new pair of shoes I thought I wanted seem insignficant.

Thoughts.

At the end of a very rough school year, it's nice to sit back and reflect on what I learned.  I finally feel rested and have had some time to gain perspective.


1) I can manage to have control over my schedule.  I feared commuting to Hoboken each day would be the end of me, but I managed and left on the last day of school with no regrets.  I had a very successful school year, and feel quite accomplished.

2) I truly love children.  I even had thoughts of becoming a mother this year.  However, that idea is still up for A LOT of debate.  Just because I finally know I'd be a good mother, doesn't mean I have to become one.  I can love children and have them in my life without being a mom.

3) My marriage grows stronger every day.  We may have rocky days, but in the end, we are still best friends.  I can't wait to renew my vows with Doug this summer, on our 5 year anniversary.  We have grown so much as a couple and I can't wait to see where the journey of our marriage takes us.

4) My friendships continue to flourish and grow, and some new friends have come into my life.  I am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

Decisively Indecisive

So, I constantly change my mind.  About everything, all the time.  From what I want to wear, to "what I want to be when I grow up", the possibilities are endless.  However, I don't look at this as a bad thing, I look at this as my way of exploring my options.  Sometimes, I bounce my ideas around with my friends, and those who know me well, just go along for the ride when I decide it's time to rethink things and move on to a new, better, improved plan.  I consider myself "decisively indecisive".

Now, why does this warrant a blog?  Mainly because of the annoying comments I get about being "flighty", "all over the place" or any other criticism.  To this, I say...who cares??  Stop trying to figure me out, since I am a constant work in progress.  At the heart of hearts, I am well grounded about what's important.  To me, that is all that matters.

My decisions affect no one but myself.  I enjoy challenging my own ideas, questioning what is best for me, and doing what I think is best, even if I change my mind about what that is.

Gotta run, it's time for me to change my mind about something.

Memories in Boxes, Round 1

So I thought going through old pictures would be "fun".  However, as I was looking into my past, and looking at the Allison I was, face to face, I began to get an odd sinking feeling.  It took a while for me to figure out, but I realized something:  I have looked at my past through rose-colored glasses for many years now.  I only looked at the positives, and never at the negatives. 

For some reason, today I saw things differently.  Call it time, call it age, or call it perspective.  Whatever it is, today I saw mistakes I made, poor choices I acted on, and memories of things I wish never happened.  I saw pictures of people I was really close with at one point, that I don't even speak to anymore.  While I always think it's important to look forward and not look back, it is important to acknowledge mistakes you have made and even try to rectify you past a little.  There are a few people that I have treated poorly, and have taken advantage of.  To these people, I apologize. 

As I looked into my past, I saw a lot of images of who I was at the time, several of which had me asking, "Who am I?".  I think I let off an image and people think they know who I am but today in particular, I was asking myself if I even knew who I was at all.   I knew I had to step away and get a break from reliving my past. 

This start of a downward spiral propelled me to hit the Belmar boardwalk and get it all out.  Once I hit a sweat, I got perspective.  I may not know who I am all the time, but I know who I am, today.  I am a loving, ambitious woman, thankful for being able to finally acknowledge my mistakes. I don't think we ever stay the same, we are always changing and evolving.

Who I am tomorrow, and who I will be in the coming years is yet to be revealed.  My mission right now is to live each day to its fullest, without regret, and to always be thankful for those around me, never taking those I love for granted.

Feeling (almost) renewed

So the whole point of this spring break has been to focus on feeling rested to power through the rest of the school year.  Lord knows I'll need all my energy to get through what's ahead of me.  I've been sleeping, resting, spending time with friends and family, and have been able to stop and smell the flowers, as it were.

I actually enjoyed being home.  I had the time to clean out my closet.  I had time to hold a proper conversation with a good friend.  I had time to just....be.  I didn't have an agenda, I didn't have a routine, I wasn't stuck in a weekend of running around, food shopping, catching up on errands, and watching my precious time off drift away, hour by hour. 

Am I going to say that I won't get caught up in the routine in the coming week?  No.  I know what the next few weeks have in store for me.  All I can do is jump in with both feet and face the coming weeks head on.  Thank God I am feeling rested and ready to charge ahead.  Hopefully I'll still remember to stop and enjoy the little things that matter the most.