What a road!

So, I never thought I'd be married.  Ever.  No, really...ever. For me, being single and not being defined by a relationship was the most important choice I had made in my twenties, if not most of my life up until then.

At thirty,  I was single, happy and completely content on my own.

Then I met Doug and my world changed.

To think that I never wanted to get married or be in a committed relationship now means that the last six years with him would not have have been the best years of my life.  I have no doubt become a better person because of meeting him.  I am more comfortable in my own skin, accept myself more than I did, and truly know that I can die tomorrow, aware that I had a great love in my life.  I also know that I was able to risk it all, jump in and take the plunge, not knowing what to expect, but only hoping for the best.

I've been really lucky with my marriage.  Yes, it takes work.  Anything good in life takes work.  It's the easy path that end up being the most complicated, because if you arent working to improve yourself or your life, what is it that you are doing? No doubt we can all stand to challenge our own happiness and change our path if needed.

As I approach forty, I have to say that I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been.  I have recently decided to accept that I will always be "five pounds" above my ideal weight.  Why?  Because I love wine, I love food, and I love life.  For me, that means more than dieting and constantly beating myself up because I am not the size I was when I was single and in my twenties and early thirties.

Besides, I am healthy!  I eat well and exercise (at least 3 to 5 days a week), and only drink on the weekends.   Life is about moderation, but not deprivation.  If I want chocolate, I will find a way to have it!   Really, I can spend my time beating myself up because I am not my own "ideal" weight, or I can be happy and accept that I am who I am, and that my pant size does not dictate my life.  I refuse to live my life on a path, a plan or a agenda.  I know a lot of "busy" people, who in all honesty are just busying themselves with a plan or agenda because they think they have to.

I have recently decided to live my life from a much different perspective.  I am going to embrace everything with love, happiness and enthusiasm, one day at a time.  I think in life you have to embrace the unknown, and the simple things really go unnoticed if you don't take time to acknowledge how sweet they are.

We are all so busy comparing everything to everything, that we are losing the joy in the true experience of what we are doing.  We are worried about what we are NOT doing - what choices we did or didn't make, and instead of going with where the road leads, we question if the road we chose was correct.  I think most of us can stand to not worry about the road, but focus more on the journey.

Slow down...

Life goes by pretty quickly.  We all get caught up in a routine, schedule, and errands on a daily basis.  Things get complicated, no matter how simple we try to keep them.

Lately, I have noticed that I am exhausted from keeping up with myself.  I make myself very busy, all the time, and never seem to just go off auto-pilot.  I have realized that I haven't done just one thing at a time since College.  I've always had "something else going on".

Just look around you.  How many people just do one thing at a time?  When I was food shopping yesterday, I noticed very few people were just shopping.  Several were texting or on their phones.  I personally enjoy food shopping without distractions.  The point is, we very rarely stop to smell the roses, unless we are on vacation or out of town.

I started to really think about how I can truly disconnect.  For starters, I deleted all the time-wasting apps from my iPhone.   My iPhone is just, well, a phone, at least for now.
I also decided that if I'm watching TV or a movie, that's all I'm doing.  No more TV for background noise if I'm on the computer.  Same with the phone.  More small changes to come,  I'm sure.

Right now, I'm just living in the moment.  

Adventures in Marriage....and life.

One of the many reasons I love my husband, is that we are both constantly questioning our own status quo.  We march to the beat of our own drum, and pretty much live our lives on our own terms.  From trying veganism, to exploring our religious beliefs, to trying city life for two years, we are constantly changing things up.

We never like to accept that what we do to keep our lives and marriage interesting is "enough".   We love to learn something new and embrace adding it into our lives.  While we are creatures of habit (nothing pleases me more than a nice dinner at home and a movie on the couch after), we realize that life's journey is long, and can be made to feel even longer when you have a companion if you don't keep it interesting.

When we decided to go camping, we knew we would either love it or hate it.  This summer, we have both vowed to try new things.  Camping, parasailing, and other activities that get us up and out on the weekends are the priority.   There's only so many happy hours, drinks and appetizers you can have until it begins to feel repetitive and well, old.

My dad is a big fan of camping, and I knew he would be game to help us get acquainted with a new potential "hobby".  So, we set a date and started planning.

Doug and I found camping to be wonderful.  We were totally unplugged and disconnected, and were able to have actual conversations without distractions of TV or email looming overhead.  We definitely appreciated the little things, and realized how much time we spend worrying about stuff that really doesn't matter.  Sometimes your priorities can get out of focus.  We just needed a weekend away and totally isolated to realize how little we need to be happy.

Makes that new pair of shoes I thought I wanted seem insignficant.

Thoughts.

At the end of a very rough school year, it's nice to sit back and reflect on what I learned.  I finally feel rested and have had some time to gain perspective.


1) I can manage to have control over my schedule.  I feared commuting to Hoboken each day would be the end of me, but I managed and left on the last day of school with no regrets.  I had a very successful school year, and feel quite accomplished.

2) I truly love children.  I even had thoughts of becoming a mother this year.  However, that idea is still up for A LOT of debate.  Just because I finally know I'd be a good mother, doesn't mean I have to become one.  I can love children and have them in my life without being a mom.

3) My marriage grows stronger every day.  We may have rocky days, but in the end, we are still best friends.  I can't wait to renew my vows with Doug this summer, on our 5 year anniversary.  We have grown so much as a couple and I can't wait to see where the journey of our marriage takes us.

4) My friendships continue to flourish and grow, and some new friends have come into my life.  I am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

Decisively Indecisive

So, I constantly change my mind.  About everything, all the time.  From what I want to wear, to "what I want to be when I grow up", the possibilities are endless.  However, I don't look at this as a bad thing, I look at this as my way of exploring my options.  Sometimes, I bounce my ideas around with my friends, and those who know me well, just go along for the ride when I decide it's time to rethink things and move on to a new, better, improved plan.  I consider myself "decisively indecisive".

Now, why does this warrant a blog?  Mainly because of the annoying comments I get about being "flighty", "all over the place" or any other criticism.  To this, I say...who cares??  Stop trying to figure me out, since I am a constant work in progress.  At the heart of hearts, I am well grounded about what's important.  To me, that is all that matters.

My decisions affect no one but myself.  I enjoy challenging my own ideas, questioning what is best for me, and doing what I think is best, even if I change my mind about what that is.

Gotta run, it's time for me to change my mind about something.

Memories in Boxes, Round 1

So I thought going through old pictures would be "fun".  However, as I was looking into my past, and looking at the Allison I was, face to face, I began to get an odd sinking feeling.  It took a while for me to figure out, but I realized something:  I have looked at my past through rose-colored glasses for many years now.  I only looked at the positives, and never at the negatives. 

For some reason, today I saw things differently.  Call it time, call it age, or call it perspective.  Whatever it is, today I saw mistakes I made, poor choices I acted on, and memories of things I wish never happened.  I saw pictures of people I was really close with at one point, that I don't even speak to anymore.  While I always think it's important to look forward and not look back, it is important to acknowledge mistakes you have made and even try to rectify you past a little.  There are a few people that I have treated poorly, and have taken advantage of.  To these people, I apologize. 

As I looked into my past, I saw a lot of images of who I was at the time, several of which had me asking, "Who am I?".  I think I let off an image and people think they know who I am but today in particular, I was asking myself if I even knew who I was at all.   I knew I had to step away and get a break from reliving my past. 

This start of a downward spiral propelled me to hit the Belmar boardwalk and get it all out.  Once I hit a sweat, I got perspective.  I may not know who I am all the time, but I know who I am, today.  I am a loving, ambitious woman, thankful for being able to finally acknowledge my mistakes. I don't think we ever stay the same, we are always changing and evolving.

Who I am tomorrow, and who I will be in the coming years is yet to be revealed.  My mission right now is to live each day to its fullest, without regret, and to always be thankful for those around me, never taking those I love for granted.

Feeling (almost) renewed

So the whole point of this spring break has been to focus on feeling rested to power through the rest of the school year.  Lord knows I'll need all my energy to get through what's ahead of me.  I've been sleeping, resting, spending time with friends and family, and have been able to stop and smell the flowers, as it were.

I actually enjoyed being home.  I had the time to clean out my closet.  I had time to hold a proper conversation with a good friend.  I had time to just....be.  I didn't have an agenda, I didn't have a routine, I wasn't stuck in a weekend of running around, food shopping, catching up on errands, and watching my precious time off drift away, hour by hour. 

Am I going to say that I won't get caught up in the routine in the coming week?  No.  I know what the next few weeks have in store for me.  All I can do is jump in with both feet and face the coming weeks head on.  Thank God I am feeling rested and ready to charge ahead.  Hopefully I'll still remember to stop and enjoy the little things that matter the most.  

Memories in Boxes

I have a confession.  I am terrible at taking pictures, and even worse about getting pictures developed and framed.  They all live in my phone, in a box, or in my shutterfly account, waiting to be ordered.  I was NOT into making a wedding album, have barely any new or interesting personal pictures around my house, and up until now I haven't had the desire to work on it.

Why now?  Well, with the celebration of my 5 year anniversary (in August), I want to make a collage of my invitation, our wedding portrait, and other personal mementos from that day.  Mainly, because at the time, I didn't think I was a sentimental woman.  However, with the approach of our 5 year anniversary, and seeing all the changes that have taken place in our lives, I really want to honor where we started.  5 years later, I totally get it.
While the meaning for marriage is different for each of us, for me, it means that I am with my best friend.  We don't fit any mold, and enjoy that we march to the beat of our own drummer at all times.

In addition to putting up more pictures of Doug and I, I am going to put up some great pictures of our families and of my amazing friends, some of which I have known since I was in High School.   I am looking forward to going though these boxes and making some sense out of these memories, and even reliving some of them if I can.  Isn't there a time when we all wish we could go back to the days of college or high school? 

While I sense that this project will be a little overwhelming, I think it will also be cathartic and even fun. 

How about you?  Are you great at organizing pictures, or do you leave them in boxes like I do? 

Family - the music of our lives.

We all define family in different ways.  For some of us, family consists of people we see during the holidays, for others, it consists of various close knit individuals that make up the sum of it's parts.  For me, family is my husband and our dog, Arthur.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be who I am today without the love and support of my mom, godparents, and father.  However, at 36, I define family by whom I want to come home to every night.  And for the last 6 years, that person has always been Doug. 

When I got home from work today, I was driven to create a playlist for us.  Doug and I are getting out of town for a weekend of alone time, and we have a two hour drive ahead of us.  So, I felt making a playlist was a good idea.
I often do this for friends and for various situations where extensive travel is necessary.  However, I decided to make one for just he and I.  Here it is. 

Some old, some new.  Very random, very inspired, and very diverse.  A lot like how I'm feeling right now : )


Stand by Me   Ben E. King  
Be Mine       David Gray 
L.A. Woman    The Doors   
Walking On a Dream   Empire of the Sun   
The Summer Wind    Frank Sinatra 
Flathead    The Fratellis   
Shimmer     Fuel  
We Are Young    Fun.   
Bubble Toes     Jack Johnson   
Cherry Bomb       John Mellencamp   
Need You Now     Lady Antebellum   
Alive      Pearl Jam  
You Are the Sunshine of My Life     Stevie Wonder  
Superstition    Stevie Wonder            
That's Not My Name   The Ting Tings   
Why Can't This Be Love    Van Halen      
Real Love Remix (Featuring the Notorious B.I.G.)   Mary J. Blige    Collection    R&B/Soul                    

Expectations vs. Reality

Women are displayed messages of what we should look like, act like, and dress like at a very early age. Many of us struggle with this, and starve ourselves, change our image, and work to look and act a certain way. However, as we grow and find out who we really are, we may not want to fit a certain mold. Luckily, we all define beauty differently.

When we are younger, we enjoy dating or being in “young love”. The dream is sold to us daily through characters in books, movies, and sitcoms. We are told what types of men make up someone that’s successful: good looking, charming, well off, and well spoken. Never once is sense of humor, outlook on life, or interests mentioned. As you get older you say to yourself “I don’t want to settle, I want the dream”. I have seen many women blow off nice guys, who may be a little rusty, goofy, geeky or not their type. I ask this: is your "type" working for you, if you are still single?

 So here’s the question: if we, as women, know that the expectations set for us are unrealistic, why do we hold men to the standard sold to us, and never once question how realistic it is? Women don’t want to settle, and they shouldn’t. Never should you stay with someone that’s abusive, unkind, or dealing with some type of demon they can’t work through. However, for those women who think that Mr. Big is waiting for them somewhere, you are sadly mistaken. Ask any married woman if they married the previously mentioned Prince Charming, and they will tell you no. But, in a good relationship, you DO marry your own version of Prince Charming. The point is: be realistic, and don’t expect someone that doesn’t exist. Stop justifying your life through relationships. The most important relationship you have is with you, and only you.

My Best Friend

I met Millie a little over 10 years ago. We met on December 18, 1999. She was a little strong willed back pomeranian, and I was a young woman, in love with her from the moment we met. She was as strong willed, stubborn and scatter brained as I was. Over the years, as I have grown and matured, so has she. She made my house, a home. She brought Doug and I together and made us a family.

Toward the end of her life, she was wiser on my ways than I was. She knew my every move. She was there for me at my highest highs and my lowest lows. When I felt I had nothing, she would curl up next to me to remind me that I had the greatest of all gifts: a dog's undying love.

After Doug took her for what would be her last evening walk, she came home and gave me a look that said that it was time for me to let her go. The first weekend without her, I was numb. Every day after that, I have been able to feel again, a little bit at a time.

I will always miss my Millie. I will always love her and will remember all the lessons she taught me: love is unconditional with those you can trust, never trust someone your dog doesn't like, and never underestimate the value of a good belly rub.

Too Connected

We all have one or more of the following:
-A computer
-A cell phone
-A facebook
-A twitter
-A linkedin

And then throw in any "feeds" we get. I ask though, are any of these things REALLY feeding us, and what is it that we are growing from? Are we really connecting with each other, if all we do is share an "update" on a computer? I look at my facebook "friends" list, and out of 166 people, I may be actually friends with (meaning, see "in real life") about 30 of the people. Don't even get me started about what classifies someone as a friend.
The point? Get off the computer and see the people who mean the most to you. It's great to get caught up with people via text/twitter/facebook/email, but it's better to see your friends face to face.
Your life off the computer should be much more fulfilling than on the computer, and if it's not, it's never to late to change things up. The internet was created to make life easier, but it was never created to make your life.

Love Rules

Living this close to the city has opened my eyes to how hard it is for single ladies to meet a good guy. I see the nonsense my friends who date put up with, and think part of it is how jaded we are this close to the city, where everything you could possibly want is there for the taking. Does this fall into dating patterns as well? I think so, and I don't think it's only the guy's fault. Sorry ladies. So, I am adding to and reiterating my previous post about love rules for the single (see "Some Interesting Reading", circa Oct 2009).

Rule 1
Fall in love with someone who accepts you the way you are, and do the same for them. If you don't know who you are, you probably need to find that out before you go looking for love.

Rule 2
Let go of who you think you want, in fact, put any preconceived notions about who you are meant to be with out of your head. Instead, focus on rule 1 above.

Rule 3
Ask yourself what the most important traits are to you. These should have nothing to do with anything superficial. For me, it was sense of humor, undying acceptance of who I am, and appreciation for my own sense of humor and unique family background. Now, are looks important? Yes, definitely. However, when you only look for one thing, you miss the others.

Rule 4
Einstein says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This applies to going to the same bars, same clubs, and same places and expecting to meet someone different. It won't happen. Step outside your comfort zone! Put yourself out there. When you do, you may learn something new about yourself, or even better, meet someone completely different. Like the lottery, you gotta be in it to win it. Don't complain about not meeting someone if you don't REALLY try.

Rule 5
You're not perfect. Stop holding men to a higher standard than you would hold yourself to. Do you walk around, dressed to the nines every day of the week? If the answer is no, don't judge a guy by what he is wearing when you meet him. Yes, he should be groomed and presentable, but he doesn't need to be in a full on tuxedo just for dinner with you. Chances are he is seeing if you accept him the way he is. Men are big on that. Mainly because women spend a lot of time trying to change men. Guys don't consider what they wear to be a deal breaker, but they know women do. If you judge them for their outfit, they will judge you for being overly consumed with outward appearance (and really, who can blame them). Stop being judgmental on a first date. Unless the guy is a total jerk, not attractive to you, or outright rude, give it a second try, PLEASE. So many opportunities are missed by making assumptions about someone too soon in. Am I asking you to settle? No. I'm asking you to open your mind a little.

Rule 6
It's a date, not an interview. Don't sit there trying to figure out of the guy is "worthy" of dating you. Yes, ambition, career goals, and stability are important. Some guys don't care to discuss it right away. Some guys are dealing with being unemployed or face the prospect of being laid off. The last thing they want to be judged for is what they make, especially in this economy. So, ease up. Instead, see if you have common interests. Are you a runner? Is he? Do you like art? Does he? These are the things that matter. How are his manners? Does he open a door for you, offer to pay for the bill, or call or text you a day or two after your date? These are all the little things that make up a whole person. We would hate to be judged only on our looks or financial status, so why should be determine if someone is date worthy based only on those two factors.


Some Guys to Avoid:

Someone who only talks about money or is overly flashy, he is looking to see if that's what attracts you, or that's all he has. Avoid this guy!

A guy overly obsessed with talking about his ex. In fact, any talk of any exes on a first date, by either party, is a big NO.

If you have to ask yourself, "How many drinks has he had"?, it may be time to get the check. On a first date, getting wasted is not only unacceptable, but could be a sign of something deeper. Rule of thumb? Stick to one or two drinks. See if he does the same. While alcohol can help break the ice, it shouldn't be a crutch.

Resolutions anew

Not a lot of people know this about me, but I take making my New Year's resolution pretty seriously. For about 3 months in the New Year, I work on them. Then I lose my steam. Then I'm really hard on myself. Overall, not a successful process.

My resolutions for 2009 actually had a rhyme and reason. I chose to: do something for someone else, try something new, and do something for myself.

Trying something new was as simple as moving to Jersey City. That was definitely something new!

What did I do for myself? You know, I really can't say I did anything for my own personal gain, but read a lot more and started this blog. I would love to say that I have a job that is fulfilling, but really, working as a volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club is just as much for me as it is for the kids I work with.

So as I think about my resolutions for 2010, I think about what's really possible. I will be turning 35 this year, and would like to look and feel as good about myself when I did when I turned 30. In order to make this happen, I plan on becoming a runner. This has always been an ambition of mine. I feel like it's time I made that happen. So, thats what I plan on doing for myself.

For something new to try, I plan on cooking meals out of cookbooks at least 2-3 times a week. We have been doing that around here recently, and it definitely makes dinner more interesting.

Something I would like to do for others would be to continue to volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club, perhaps organize some type of group counseling for the kids I work with right now.

I think resolutions are a great way to expand your own personal goals ambitions, as long as you have a plan of attack. It should serve to be an interesting 2010!

Not just thankful...

Every year, toward the end of the year, I reflect on the lessons I have learned. 2009 has been a very tough year for me. I have gone a solid year with no full time job, have moved from a comfortable life and my first home to our apartment in Jersey City, and have learned some hard lessons about friendships as well.

However, I think in line with keeping positive, which is something I have always tried to do along the way, it's important to reflect on what I DO have.
I have my health
I have a loving husband, a great immediate and extended family, and good friends.
I have a roof over my head
I am able to survive on much less than I thought possible.***



***In my opinion, needs vs. wants are often confused by many of us. I am just as guilty as anyone for wanting things that I don't need. I have learned that NOT having some of these things makes life easier. For me, wanting something snowballs into an obsession for more.

So as we all prepare to enter the holiday season, I am going to enjoy spending time with people I care about and not worry so much about the materialism of the season.


I will, however manage to buy myself a beauty product or two, I'm sure :)

Sacrifices that pay off...

We all have to make decisions in life. Some are easy, such as what we wear or eat. Others are a little more complex. Decisions and sacrifices are the same thing when it comes to a relationship. You decide to get involved with someone, you decide to get married, and you decide to make that marriage work. All the while you are both making sacrifices along the way. You may look at yourself and not recognize parts of who you are anymore, and that's okay. It's also perfectly normal to wonder if you are even the same person anymore. Many times, the answer is no. Relationships change you. That's part of the deal. If you are not ready for that sacrifice, then I suggest you stay single. However, you may find that you like the person you become even better.

Before I met Doug, I was a totally different person. I was in my own world which evolved around me. My life now is much different. The important thing is to remember the essence of who you are and what is important to YOU. For instance, I take a lot of time for myself. I have always liked my alone time. I have also maintained my sense of humor and my outgoing personality. These are the things about myself I would never sacrifice for anyone else.

So, in summary...know whats important to you. Because what isn't important, will definitely change. Embrace the change, because only good can come from loving without fear. I have my husband to thank for teaching me that!

Signs of Fall...

Leaves changing colors. Cozy dinners in and homemade butternut squash soup. Red wine.

All of these things remind me of the changing of the season, which I always really enjoy. I feel like things slow down in the fall. Summer is always so frazzled and busy!

I also always feel that, with a change of season, comes a new chance and a new perspective.

Embrace the change, and make changes in your life. Make things easier for you. Organize and minimize.

The simpler you make things in your life, the better it can become.

Some interesting reading...

In a past life, I wrote a singles column for a going out guide in Monmouth County. Recently, I came across some of my articles. It's amazing how my perspective has changed since then on the dating scene. Of course, my view is now skewed, as I am married. Nonetheless, I want to share my perspective with any single women reading this blog now. Married women know something about dating. It's how we ended up married, after all.


Advice for single girls from a married woman


1) Live your life as much as you want. Don’t worry about when you meet someone or try to put yourself on a schedule for when you expect to get married. It’s going to happen when you least expect it
2) This is very important: what you think you need and what you actually need are very different things. My husband is nothing like I expected the person I married would be like.
3) Date. A lot. I dated tons in my 20’s because I never wanted to look back and say “I wish”. Plus, it was fun! I only took a handful of my relationships seriously.
4) Focus on your career and find your happiness within yourself. Work hard and be good at what you do, whatever that may be.
5) Get a hobby. Nothing is sadder than a single girl who thinks that life begins when they are in a relationship. Read, go to a museum, take a cooking class, or join the gym. Do something that helps you think about you and not about the opposite sex.
6) Weed out the friends who care about you and not just about the fact that you are single, and hence available to go out with them to troll the bars. These people will only cause drama later on for you and are definitely not worth it. Better to have a few close friends than several shitty ones who would stab you in the back without thinking twice.
7) Set goals for yourself that have nothing to do with getting married: travel, go back to school, learn another language. No matter what, you will find yourself more confident in yourself and your abilities, which is way sexier than being a date who has nothing to say.
8) Laugh. Laughter can get you through the loneliest days and can make the good days that much sweeter.

Note to Self...

Let me start by saying: I am not a fan of people who play The Victim role. I also see no value in beating myself up over my decisions, long term or daily.


So as I sit here, thinking of what to do today (I have free time, lots of it), I realize how lazy I have become. That's the problem with not working. You have SO much time, that you squander it away on doing lots of nothing.

I should go to the gym. I know that.

I should take advantage of my location, and go into the city each day. I know that too. Yet somehow, I constrain myself to staying home. Blame it on the heat, being lazy, or desire to save money for the weekends, but I actually enjoy staying home.

I do know, however, that I must get my ass in gear.

As soon as the summer ends, life will resume some sense of normalcy. I'm going to give myself the next two weeks to "live it up", and then will, with the start of the fall, create a new start for myself.

While a job would help this current situation, I have to make it happen on my own, which is probably the hardest thing to do.

I will look into volunteering, and will create a schedule for myself, which will involve less happy hours, and more of something productive.

Are we really communicating?

I have decided to not use Instant Messenger for the next week. Why? Because I feel that it makes me more lazy than necessary, and I often have the feeling that if people want to talk to me, they can call me and vice versa. I think technology is REALLY affecting our social skills. Just yesterday, I TEXTED someone a Happy Birthday! It was then I realized that I am falling prey to that which I said I never would. The laziness of technology has finally hit. I am no better than anyone else who spend their days on Facebook and IM, accepting that as a form of communication; a way of "catching up with friends", if you will.

I remember the good ol' days, when if you wanted to talk to someone you had to go and actually TALK to them. There were no cell phones or computers, no internet or wi-fi. It was a much simpler life. I know people who use wikipedia to help them write term papers. Am I the only one who sees the irony in this?

Anyway, I digress. I have decided to see if I can bring some richness back to my life by cutting of some of my connectivity. Perhaps I will talk to people I haven't spoken with in a while, perhaps not.

The next week will be interesting.