We all have one or more of the following:
-A computer
-A cell phone
-A facebook
-A twitter
-A linkedin
And then throw in any "feeds" we get. I ask though, are any of these things REALLY feeding us, and what is it that we are growing from? Are we really connecting with each other, if all we do is share an "update" on a computer? I look at my facebook "friends" list, and out of 166 people, I may be actually friends with (meaning, see "in real life") about 30 of the people. Don't even get me started about what classifies someone as a friend.
The point? Get off the computer and see the people who mean the most to you. It's great to get caught up with people via text/twitter/facebook/email, but it's better to see your friends face to face.
Your life off the computer should be much more fulfilling than on the computer, and if it's not, it's never to late to change things up. The internet was created to make life easier, but it was never created to make your life.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Love Rules
Living this close to the city has opened my eyes to how hard it is for single ladies to meet a good guy. I see the nonsense my friends who date put up with, and think part of it is how jaded we are this close to the city, where everything you could possibly want is there for the taking. Does this fall into dating patterns as well? I think so, and I don't think it's only the guy's fault. Sorry ladies. So, I am adding to and reiterating my previous post about love rules for the single (see "Some Interesting Reading", circa Oct 2009).
Rule 1
Fall in love with someone who accepts you the way you are, and do the same for them. If you don't know who you are, you probably need to find that out before you go looking for love.
Rule 2
Let go of who you think you want, in fact, put any preconceived notions about who you are meant to be with out of your head. Instead, focus on rule 1 above.
Rule 3
Ask yourself what the most important traits are to you. These should have nothing to do with anything superficial. For me, it was sense of humor, undying acceptance of who I am, and appreciation for my own sense of humor and unique family background. Now, are looks important? Yes, definitely. However, when you only look for one thing, you miss the others.
Rule 4
Einstein says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This applies to going to the same bars, same clubs, and same places and expecting to meet someone different. It won't happen. Step outside your comfort zone! Put yourself out there. When you do, you may learn something new about yourself, or even better, meet someone completely different. Like the lottery, you gotta be in it to win it. Don't complain about not meeting someone if you don't REALLY try.
Rule 5
You're not perfect. Stop holding men to a higher standard than you would hold yourself to. Do you walk around, dressed to the nines every day of the week? If the answer is no, don't judge a guy by what he is wearing when you meet him. Yes, he should be groomed and presentable, but he doesn't need to be in a full on tuxedo just for dinner with you. Chances are he is seeing if you accept him the way he is. Men are big on that. Mainly because women spend a lot of time trying to change men. Guys don't consider what they wear to be a deal breaker, but they know women do. If you judge them for their outfit, they will judge you for being overly consumed with outward appearance (and really, who can blame them). Stop being judgmental on a first date. Unless the guy is a total jerk, not attractive to you, or outright rude, give it a second try, PLEASE. So many opportunities are missed by making assumptions about someone too soon in. Am I asking you to settle? No. I'm asking you to open your mind a little.
Rule 6
It's a date, not an interview. Don't sit there trying to figure out of the guy is "worthy" of dating you. Yes, ambition, career goals, and stability are important. Some guys don't care to discuss it right away. Some guys are dealing with being unemployed or face the prospect of being laid off. The last thing they want to be judged for is what they make, especially in this economy. So, ease up. Instead, see if you have common interests. Are you a runner? Is he? Do you like art? Does he? These are the things that matter. How are his manners? Does he open a door for you, offer to pay for the bill, or call or text you a day or two after your date? These are all the little things that make up a whole person. We would hate to be judged only on our looks or financial status, so why should be determine if someone is date worthy based only on those two factors.
Some Guys to Avoid:
Someone who only talks about money or is overly flashy, he is looking to see if that's what attracts you, or that's all he has. Avoid this guy!
A guy overly obsessed with talking about his ex. In fact, any talk of any exes on a first date, by either party, is a big NO.
If you have to ask yourself, "How many drinks has he had"?, it may be time to get the check. On a first date, getting wasted is not only unacceptable, but could be a sign of something deeper. Rule of thumb? Stick to one or two drinks. See if he does the same. While alcohol can help break the ice, it shouldn't be a crutch.
Rule 1
Fall in love with someone who accepts you the way you are, and do the same for them. If you don't know who you are, you probably need to find that out before you go looking for love.
Rule 2
Let go of who you think you want, in fact, put any preconceived notions about who you are meant to be with out of your head. Instead, focus on rule 1 above.
Rule 3
Ask yourself what the most important traits are to you. These should have nothing to do with anything superficial. For me, it was sense of humor, undying acceptance of who I am, and appreciation for my own sense of humor and unique family background. Now, are looks important? Yes, definitely. However, when you only look for one thing, you miss the others.
Rule 4
Einstein says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This applies to going to the same bars, same clubs, and same places and expecting to meet someone different. It won't happen. Step outside your comfort zone! Put yourself out there. When you do, you may learn something new about yourself, or even better, meet someone completely different. Like the lottery, you gotta be in it to win it. Don't complain about not meeting someone if you don't REALLY try.
Rule 5
You're not perfect. Stop holding men to a higher standard than you would hold yourself to. Do you walk around, dressed to the nines every day of the week? If the answer is no, don't judge a guy by what he is wearing when you meet him. Yes, he should be groomed and presentable, but he doesn't need to be in a full on tuxedo just for dinner with you. Chances are he is seeing if you accept him the way he is. Men are big on that. Mainly because women spend a lot of time trying to change men. Guys don't consider what they wear to be a deal breaker, but they know women do. If you judge them for their outfit, they will judge you for being overly consumed with outward appearance (and really, who can blame them). Stop being judgmental on a first date. Unless the guy is a total jerk, not attractive to you, or outright rude, give it a second try, PLEASE. So many opportunities are missed by making assumptions about someone too soon in. Am I asking you to settle? No. I'm asking you to open your mind a little.
Rule 6
It's a date, not an interview. Don't sit there trying to figure out of the guy is "worthy" of dating you. Yes, ambition, career goals, and stability are important. Some guys don't care to discuss it right away. Some guys are dealing with being unemployed or face the prospect of being laid off. The last thing they want to be judged for is what they make, especially in this economy. So, ease up. Instead, see if you have common interests. Are you a runner? Is he? Do you like art? Does he? These are the things that matter. How are his manners? Does he open a door for you, offer to pay for the bill, or call or text you a day or two after your date? These are all the little things that make up a whole person. We would hate to be judged only on our looks or financial status, so why should be determine if someone is date worthy based only on those two factors.
Some Guys to Avoid:
Someone who only talks about money or is overly flashy, he is looking to see if that's what attracts you, or that's all he has. Avoid this guy!
A guy overly obsessed with talking about his ex. In fact, any talk of any exes on a first date, by either party, is a big NO.
If you have to ask yourself, "How many drinks has he had"?, it may be time to get the check. On a first date, getting wasted is not only unacceptable, but could be a sign of something deeper. Rule of thumb? Stick to one or two drinks. See if he does the same. While alcohol can help break the ice, it shouldn't be a crutch.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Resolutions anew
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I take making my New Year's resolution pretty seriously. For about 3 months in the New Year, I work on them. Then I lose my steam. Then I'm really hard on myself. Overall, not a successful process.
My resolutions for 2009 actually had a rhyme and reason. I chose to: do something for someone else, try something new, and do something for myself.
Trying something new was as simple as moving to Jersey City. That was definitely something new!
What did I do for myself? You know, I really can't say I did anything for my own personal gain, but read a lot more and started this blog. I would love to say that I have a job that is fulfilling, but really, working as a volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club is just as much for me as it is for the kids I work with.
So as I think about my resolutions for 2010, I think about what's really possible. I will be turning 35 this year, and would like to look and feel as good about myself when I did when I turned 30. In order to make this happen, I plan on becoming a runner. This has always been an ambition of mine. I feel like it's time I made that happen. So, thats what I plan on doing for myself.
For something new to try, I plan on cooking meals out of cookbooks at least 2-3 times a week. We have been doing that around here recently, and it definitely makes dinner more interesting.
Something I would like to do for others would be to continue to volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club, perhaps organize some type of group counseling for the kids I work with right now.
I think resolutions are a great way to expand your own personal goals ambitions, as long as you have a plan of attack. It should serve to be an interesting 2010!
My resolutions for 2009 actually had a rhyme and reason. I chose to: do something for someone else, try something new, and do something for myself.
Trying something new was as simple as moving to Jersey City. That was definitely something new!
What did I do for myself? You know, I really can't say I did anything for my own personal gain, but read a lot more and started this blog. I would love to say that I have a job that is fulfilling, but really, working as a volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club is just as much for me as it is for the kids I work with.
So as I think about my resolutions for 2010, I think about what's really possible. I will be turning 35 this year, and would like to look and feel as good about myself when I did when I turned 30. In order to make this happen, I plan on becoming a runner. This has always been an ambition of mine. I feel like it's time I made that happen. So, thats what I plan on doing for myself.
For something new to try, I plan on cooking meals out of cookbooks at least 2-3 times a week. We have been doing that around here recently, and it definitely makes dinner more interesting.
Something I would like to do for others would be to continue to volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club, perhaps organize some type of group counseling for the kids I work with right now.
I think resolutions are a great way to expand your own personal goals ambitions, as long as you have a plan of attack. It should serve to be an interesting 2010!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Not just thankful...
Every year, toward the end of the year, I reflect on the lessons I have learned. 2009 has been a very tough year for me. I have gone a solid year with no full time job, have moved from a comfortable life and my first home to our apartment in Jersey City, and have learned some hard lessons about friendships as well.
However, I think in line with keeping positive, which is something I have always tried to do along the way, it's important to reflect on what I DO have.
I have my health
I have a loving husband, a great immediate and extended family, and good friends.
I have a roof over my head
I am able to survive on much less than I thought possible.***
***In my opinion, needs vs. wants are often confused by many of us. I am just as guilty as anyone for wanting things that I don't need. I have learned that NOT having some of these things makes life easier. For me, wanting something snowballs into an obsession for more.
So as we all prepare to enter the holiday season, I am going to enjoy spending time with people I care about and not worry so much about the materialism of the season.
I will, however manage to buy myself a beauty product or two, I'm sure :)
However, I think in line with keeping positive, which is something I have always tried to do along the way, it's important to reflect on what I DO have.
I have my health
I have a loving husband, a great immediate and extended family, and good friends.
I have a roof over my head
I am able to survive on much less than I thought possible.***
***In my opinion, needs vs. wants are often confused by many of us. I am just as guilty as anyone for wanting things that I don't need. I have learned that NOT having some of these things makes life easier. For me, wanting something snowballs into an obsession for more.
So as we all prepare to enter the holiday season, I am going to enjoy spending time with people I care about and not worry so much about the materialism of the season.
I will, however manage to buy myself a beauty product or two, I'm sure :)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sacrifices that pay off...
We all have to make decisions in life. Some are easy, such as what we wear or eat. Others are a little more complex. Decisions and sacrifices are the same thing when it comes to a relationship. You decide to get involved with someone, you decide to get married, and you decide to make that marriage work. All the while you are both making sacrifices along the way. You may look at yourself and not recognize parts of who you are anymore, and that's okay. It's also perfectly normal to wonder if you are even the same person anymore. Many times, the answer is no. Relationships change you. That's part of the deal. If you are not ready for that sacrifice, then I suggest you stay single. However, you may find that you like the person you become even better.
Before I met Doug, I was a totally different person. I was in my own world which evolved around me. My life now is much different. The important thing is to remember the essence of who you are and what is important to YOU. For instance, I take a lot of time for myself. I have always liked my alone time. I have also maintained my sense of humor and my outgoing personality. These are the things about myself I would never sacrifice for anyone else.
So, in summary...know whats important to you. Because what isn't important, will definitely change. Embrace the change, because only good can come from loving without fear. I have my husband to thank for teaching me that!
Before I met Doug, I was a totally different person. I was in my own world which evolved around me. My life now is much different. The important thing is to remember the essence of who you are and what is important to YOU. For instance, I take a lot of time for myself. I have always liked my alone time. I have also maintained my sense of humor and my outgoing personality. These are the things about myself I would never sacrifice for anyone else.
So, in summary...know whats important to you. Because what isn't important, will definitely change. Embrace the change, because only good can come from loving without fear. I have my husband to thank for teaching me that!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Signs of Fall...
Leaves changing colors. Cozy dinners in and homemade butternut squash soup. Red wine.
All of these things remind me of the changing of the season, which I always really enjoy. I feel like things slow down in the fall. Summer is always so frazzled and busy!
I also always feel that, with a change of season, comes a new chance and a new perspective.
Embrace the change, and make changes in your life. Make things easier for you. Organize and minimize.
The simpler you make things in your life, the better it can become.
All of these things remind me of the changing of the season, which I always really enjoy. I feel like things slow down in the fall. Summer is always so frazzled and busy!
I also always feel that, with a change of season, comes a new chance and a new perspective.
Embrace the change, and make changes in your life. Make things easier for you. Organize and minimize.
The simpler you make things in your life, the better it can become.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Some interesting reading...
In a past life, I wrote a singles column for a going out guide in Monmouth County. Recently, I came across some of my articles. It's amazing how my perspective has changed since then on the dating scene. Of course, my view is now skewed, as I am married. Nonetheless, I want to share my perspective with any single women reading this blog now. Married women know something about dating. It's how we ended up married, after all.
Advice for single girls from a married woman
1) Live your life as much as you want. Don’t worry about when you meet someone or try to put yourself on a schedule for when you expect to get married. It’s going to happen when you least expect it
2) This is very important: what you think you need and what you actually need are very different things. My husband is nothing like I expected the person I married would be like.
3) Date. A lot. I dated tons in my 20’s because I never wanted to look back and say “I wish”. Plus, it was fun! I only took a handful of my relationships seriously.
4) Focus on your career and find your happiness within yourself. Work hard and be good at what you do, whatever that may be.
5) Get a hobby. Nothing is sadder than a single girl who thinks that life begins when they are in a relationship. Read, go to a museum, take a cooking class, or join the gym. Do something that helps you think about you and not about the opposite sex.
6) Weed out the friends who care about you and not just about the fact that you are single, and hence available to go out with them to troll the bars. These people will only cause drama later on for you and are definitely not worth it. Better to have a few close friends than several shitty ones who would stab you in the back without thinking twice.
7) Set goals for yourself that have nothing to do with getting married: travel, go back to school, learn another language. No matter what, you will find yourself more confident in yourself and your abilities, which is way sexier than being a date who has nothing to say.
8) Laugh. Laughter can get you through the loneliest days and can make the good days that much sweeter.
Advice for single girls from a married woman
1) Live your life as much as you want. Don’t worry about when you meet someone or try to put yourself on a schedule for when you expect to get married. It’s going to happen when you least expect it
2) This is very important: what you think you need and what you actually need are very different things. My husband is nothing like I expected the person I married would be like.
3) Date. A lot. I dated tons in my 20’s because I never wanted to look back and say “I wish”. Plus, it was fun! I only took a handful of my relationships seriously.
4) Focus on your career and find your happiness within yourself. Work hard and be good at what you do, whatever that may be.
5) Get a hobby. Nothing is sadder than a single girl who thinks that life begins when they are in a relationship. Read, go to a museum, take a cooking class, or join the gym. Do something that helps you think about you and not about the opposite sex.
6) Weed out the friends who care about you and not just about the fact that you are single, and hence available to go out with them to troll the bars. These people will only cause drama later on for you and are definitely not worth it. Better to have a few close friends than several shitty ones who would stab you in the back without thinking twice.
7) Set goals for yourself that have nothing to do with getting married: travel, go back to school, learn another language. No matter what, you will find yourself more confident in yourself and your abilities, which is way sexier than being a date who has nothing to say.
8) Laugh. Laughter can get you through the loneliest days and can make the good days that much sweeter.
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