So I thought going through old pictures would be "fun". However, as I was looking into my past, and looking at the Allison I was, face to face, I began to get an odd sinking feeling. It took a while for me to figure out, but I realized something: I have looked at my past through rose-colored glasses for many years now. I only looked at the positives, and never at the negatives.
For some reason, today I saw things differently. Call it time, call it age, or call it perspective. Whatever it is, today I saw mistakes I made, poor choices I acted on, and memories of things I wish never happened. I saw pictures of people I was really close with at one point, that I don't even speak to anymore. While I always think it's important to look forward and not look back, it is important to acknowledge mistakes you have made and even try to rectify you past a little. There are a few people that I have treated poorly, and have taken advantage of. To these people, I apologize.
As I looked into my past, I saw a lot of images of who I was at the time, several of which had me asking, "Who am I?". I think I let off an image and people think they know who I am but today in particular, I was asking myself if I even knew who I was at all. I knew I had to step away and get a break from reliving my past.
This start of a downward spiral propelled me to hit the Belmar boardwalk and get it all out. Once I hit a sweat, I got perspective. I may not know who I am all the time, but I know who I am, today. I am a loving, ambitious woman, thankful for being able to finally acknowledge my mistakes. I don't think we ever stay the same, we are always changing and evolving.
Who I am tomorrow, and who I will be in the coming years is yet to be revealed. My mission right now is to live each day to its fullest, without regret, and to always be thankful for those around me, never taking those I love for granted.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Feeling (almost) renewed
So the whole point of this spring break has been to focus on feeling rested to power through the rest of the school year. Lord knows I'll need all my energy to get through what's ahead of me. I've been sleeping, resting, spending time with friends and family, and have been able to stop and smell the flowers, as it were.
I actually enjoyed being home. I had the time to clean out my closet. I had time to hold a proper conversation with a good friend. I had time to just....be. I didn't have an agenda, I didn't have a routine, I wasn't stuck in a weekend of running around, food shopping, catching up on errands, and watching my precious time off drift away, hour by hour.
Am I going to say that I won't get caught up in the routine in the coming week? No. I know what the next few weeks have in store for me. All I can do is jump in with both feet and face the coming weeks head on. Thank God I am feeling rested and ready to charge ahead. Hopefully I'll still remember to stop and enjoy the little things that matter the most.
I actually enjoyed being home. I had the time to clean out my closet. I had time to hold a proper conversation with a good friend. I had time to just....be. I didn't have an agenda, I didn't have a routine, I wasn't stuck in a weekend of running around, food shopping, catching up on errands, and watching my precious time off drift away, hour by hour.
Am I going to say that I won't get caught up in the routine in the coming week? No. I know what the next few weeks have in store for me. All I can do is jump in with both feet and face the coming weeks head on. Thank God I am feeling rested and ready to charge ahead. Hopefully I'll still remember to stop and enjoy the little things that matter the most.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Memories in Boxes
I have a confession. I am terrible at taking pictures, and even worse about getting pictures developed and framed. They all live in my phone, in a box, or in my shutterfly account, waiting to be ordered. I was NOT into making a wedding album, have barely any new or interesting personal pictures around my house, and up until now I haven't had the desire to work on it.
Why now? Well, with the celebration of my 5 year anniversary (in August), I want to make a collage of my invitation, our wedding portrait, and other personal mementos from that day. Mainly, because at the time, I didn't think I was a sentimental woman. However, with the approach of our 5 year anniversary, and seeing all the changes that have taken place in our lives, I really want to honor where we started. 5 years later, I totally get it.
While the meaning for marriage is different for each of us, for me, it means that I am with my best friend. We don't fit any mold, and enjoy that we march to the beat of our own drummer at all times.
In addition to putting up more pictures of Doug and I, I am going to put up some great pictures of our families and of my amazing friends, some of which I have known since I was in High School. I am looking forward to going though these boxes and making some sense out of these memories, and even reliving some of them if I can. Isn't there a time when we all wish we could go back to the days of college or high school?
While I sense that this project will be a little overwhelming, I think it will also be cathartic and even fun.
How about you? Are you great at organizing pictures, or do you leave them in boxes like I do?
Why now? Well, with the celebration of my 5 year anniversary (in August), I want to make a collage of my invitation, our wedding portrait, and other personal mementos from that day. Mainly, because at the time, I didn't think I was a sentimental woman. However, with the approach of our 5 year anniversary, and seeing all the changes that have taken place in our lives, I really want to honor where we started. 5 years later, I totally get it.
While the meaning for marriage is different for each of us, for me, it means that I am with my best friend. We don't fit any mold, and enjoy that we march to the beat of our own drummer at all times.
In addition to putting up more pictures of Doug and I, I am going to put up some great pictures of our families and of my amazing friends, some of which I have known since I was in High School. I am looking forward to going though these boxes and making some sense out of these memories, and even reliving some of them if I can. Isn't there a time when we all wish we could go back to the days of college or high school?
While I sense that this project will be a little overwhelming, I think it will also be cathartic and even fun.
How about you? Are you great at organizing pictures, or do you leave them in boxes like I do?
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Family - the music of our lives.
We all define family in different ways. For some of us, family consists of people we see during the holidays, for others, it consists of various close knit individuals that make up the sum of it's parts. For me, family is my husband and our dog, Arthur. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be who I am today without the love and support of my mom, godparents, and father. However, at 36, I define family by whom I want to come home to every night. And for the last 6 years, that person has always been Doug.
When I got home from work today, I was driven to create a playlist for us. Doug and I are getting out of town for a weekend of alone time, and we have a two hour drive ahead of us. So, I felt making a playlist was a good idea.
I often do this for friends and for various situations where extensive travel is necessary. However, I decided to make one for just he and I. Here it is.
Some old, some new. Very random, very inspired, and very diverse. A lot like how I'm feeling right now : )
Stand by Me Ben E. King
Be Mine David Gray
L.A. Woman The Doors
Walking On a Dream Empire of the Sun
The Summer Wind Frank Sinatra
Flathead The Fratellis
Shimmer Fuel
We Are Young Fun.
Bubble Toes Jack Johnson
Cherry Bomb John Mellencamp
Need You Now Lady Antebellum
Alive Pearl Jam
You Are the Sunshine of My Life Stevie Wonder
Superstition Stevie Wonder
That's Not My Name The Ting Tings
Why Can't This Be Love Van Halen
Real Love Remix (Featuring the Notorious B.I.G.) Mary J. Blige Collection R&B/Soul
When I got home from work today, I was driven to create a playlist for us. Doug and I are getting out of town for a weekend of alone time, and we have a two hour drive ahead of us. So, I felt making a playlist was a good idea.
I often do this for friends and for various situations where extensive travel is necessary. However, I decided to make one for just he and I. Here it is.
Some old, some new. Very random, very inspired, and very diverse. A lot like how I'm feeling right now : )
Stand by Me Ben E. King
Be Mine David Gray
L.A. Woman The Doors
Walking On a Dream Empire of the Sun
The Summer Wind Frank Sinatra
Flathead The Fratellis
Shimmer Fuel
We Are Young Fun.
Bubble Toes Jack Johnson
Cherry Bomb John Mellencamp
Need You Now Lady Antebellum
Alive Pearl Jam
You Are the Sunshine of My Life Stevie Wonder
Superstition Stevie Wonder
That's Not My Name The Ting Tings
Why Can't This Be Love Van Halen
Real Love Remix (Featuring the Notorious B.I.G.) Mary J. Blige Collection R&B/Soul
Monday, March 12, 2012
Expectations vs. Reality
Women are displayed messages of what we should look like, act like, and dress like at a very early age. Many of us struggle with this, and starve ourselves, change our image, and work to look and act a certain way. However, as we grow and find out who we really are, we may not want to fit a certain mold. Luckily, we all define beauty differently.
When we are younger, we enjoy dating or being in “young love”. The dream is sold to us daily through characters in books, movies, and sitcoms. We are told what types of men make up someone that’s successful: good looking, charming, well off, and well spoken. Never once is sense of humor, outlook on life, or interests mentioned. As you get older you say to yourself “I don’t want to settle, I want the dream”. I have seen many women blow off nice guys, who may be a little rusty, goofy, geeky or not their type. I ask this: is your "type" working for you, if you are still single?
So here’s the question: if we, as women, know that the expectations set for us are unrealistic, why do we hold men to the standard sold to us, and never once question how realistic it is? Women don’t want to settle, and they shouldn’t. Never should you stay with someone that’s abusive, unkind, or dealing with some type of demon they can’t work through. However, for those women who think that Mr. Big is waiting for them somewhere, you are sadly mistaken. Ask any married woman if they married the previously mentioned Prince Charming, and they will tell you no. But, in a good relationship, you DO marry your own version of Prince Charming. The point is: be realistic, and don’t expect someone that doesn’t exist. Stop justifying your life through relationships. The most important relationship you have is with you, and only you.
When we are younger, we enjoy dating or being in “young love”. The dream is sold to us daily through characters in books, movies, and sitcoms. We are told what types of men make up someone that’s successful: good looking, charming, well off, and well spoken. Never once is sense of humor, outlook on life, or interests mentioned. As you get older you say to yourself “I don’t want to settle, I want the dream”. I have seen many women blow off nice guys, who may be a little rusty, goofy, geeky or not their type. I ask this: is your "type" working for you, if you are still single?
So here’s the question: if we, as women, know that the expectations set for us are unrealistic, why do we hold men to the standard sold to us, and never once question how realistic it is? Women don’t want to settle, and they shouldn’t. Never should you stay with someone that’s abusive, unkind, or dealing with some type of demon they can’t work through. However, for those women who think that Mr. Big is waiting for them somewhere, you are sadly mistaken. Ask any married woman if they married the previously mentioned Prince Charming, and they will tell you no. But, in a good relationship, you DO marry your own version of Prince Charming. The point is: be realistic, and don’t expect someone that doesn’t exist. Stop justifying your life through relationships. The most important relationship you have is with you, and only you.
Friday, March 19, 2010
My Best Friend
I met Millie a little over 10 years ago. We met on December 18, 1999. She was a little strong willed back pomeranian, and I was a young woman, in love with her from the moment we met. She was as strong willed, stubborn and scatter brained as I was. Over the years, as I have grown and matured, so has she. She made my house, a home. She brought Doug and I together and made us a family.
Toward the end of her life, she was wiser on my ways than I was. She knew my every move. She was there for me at my highest highs and my lowest lows. When I felt I had nothing, she would curl up next to me to remind me that I had the greatest of all gifts: a dog's undying love.
After Doug took her for what would be her last evening walk, she came home and gave me a look that said that it was time for me to let her go. The first weekend without her, I was numb. Every day after that, I have been able to feel again, a little bit at a time.
I will always miss my Millie. I will always love her and will remember all the lessons she taught me: love is unconditional with those you can trust, never trust someone your dog doesn't like, and never underestimate the value of a good belly rub.
Toward the end of her life, she was wiser on my ways than I was. She knew my every move. She was there for me at my highest highs and my lowest lows. When I felt I had nothing, she would curl up next to me to remind me that I had the greatest of all gifts: a dog's undying love.
After Doug took her for what would be her last evening walk, she came home and gave me a look that said that it was time for me to let her go. The first weekend without her, I was numb. Every day after that, I have been able to feel again, a little bit at a time.
I will always miss my Millie. I will always love her and will remember all the lessons she taught me: love is unconditional with those you can trust, never trust someone your dog doesn't like, and never underestimate the value of a good belly rub.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Too Connected
We all have one or more of the following:
-A computer
-A cell phone
-A facebook
-A twitter
-A linkedin
And then throw in any "feeds" we get. I ask though, are any of these things REALLY feeding us, and what is it that we are growing from? Are we really connecting with each other, if all we do is share an "update" on a computer? I look at my facebook "friends" list, and out of 166 people, I may be actually friends with (meaning, see "in real life") about 30 of the people. Don't even get me started about what classifies someone as a friend.
The point? Get off the computer and see the people who mean the most to you. It's great to get caught up with people via text/twitter/facebook/email, but it's better to see your friends face to face.
Your life off the computer should be much more fulfilling than on the computer, and if it's not, it's never to late to change things up. The internet was created to make life easier, but it was never created to make your life.
-A computer
-A cell phone
-A facebook
-A twitter
-A linkedin
And then throw in any "feeds" we get. I ask though, are any of these things REALLY feeding us, and what is it that we are growing from? Are we really connecting with each other, if all we do is share an "update" on a computer? I look at my facebook "friends" list, and out of 166 people, I may be actually friends with (meaning, see "in real life") about 30 of the people. Don't even get me started about what classifies someone as a friend.
The point? Get off the computer and see the people who mean the most to you. It's great to get caught up with people via text/twitter/facebook/email, but it's better to see your friends face to face.
Your life off the computer should be much more fulfilling than on the computer, and if it's not, it's never to late to change things up. The internet was created to make life easier, but it was never created to make your life.
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