Living this close to the city has opened my eyes to how hard it is for single ladies to meet a good guy. I see the nonsense my friends who date put up with, and think part of it is how jaded we are this close to the city, where everything you could possibly want is there for the taking. Does this fall into dating patterns as well? I think so, and I don't think it's only the guy's fault. Sorry ladies. So, I am adding to and reiterating my previous post about love rules for the single (see "Some Interesting Reading", circa Oct 2009).
Rule 1
Fall in love with someone who accepts you the way you are, and do the same for them. If you don't know who you are, you probably need to find that out before you go looking for love.
Rule 2
Let go of who you think you want, in fact, put any preconceived notions about who you are meant to be with out of your head. Instead, focus on rule 1 above.
Rule 3
Ask yourself what the most important traits are to you. These should have nothing to do with anything superficial. For me, it was sense of humor, undying acceptance of who I am, and appreciation for my own sense of humor and unique family background. Now, are looks important? Yes, definitely. However, when you only look for one thing, you miss the others.
Rule 4
Einstein says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This applies to going to the same bars, same clubs, and same places and expecting to meet someone different. It won't happen. Step outside your comfort zone! Put yourself out there. When you do, you may learn something new about yourself, or even better, meet someone completely different. Like the lottery, you gotta be in it to win it. Don't complain about not meeting someone if you don't REALLY try.
Rule 5
You're not perfect. Stop holding men to a higher standard than you would hold yourself to. Do you walk around, dressed to the nines every day of the week? If the answer is no, don't judge a guy by what he is wearing when you meet him. Yes, he should be groomed and presentable, but he doesn't need to be in a full on tuxedo just for dinner with you. Chances are he is seeing if you accept him the way he is. Men are big on that. Mainly because women spend a lot of time trying to change men. Guys don't consider what they wear to be a deal breaker, but they know women do. If you judge them for their outfit, they will judge you for being overly consumed with outward appearance (and really, who can blame them). Stop being judgmental on a first date. Unless the guy is a total jerk, not attractive to you, or outright rude, give it a second try, PLEASE. So many opportunities are missed by making assumptions about someone too soon in. Am I asking you to settle? No. I'm asking you to open your mind a little.
Rule 6
It's a date, not an interview. Don't sit there trying to figure out of the guy is "worthy" of dating you. Yes, ambition, career goals, and stability are important. Some guys don't care to discuss it right away. Some guys are dealing with being unemployed or face the prospect of being laid off. The last thing they want to be judged for is what they make, especially in this economy. So, ease up. Instead, see if you have common interests. Are you a runner? Is he? Do you like art? Does he? These are the things that matter. How are his manners? Does he open a door for you, offer to pay for the bill, or call or text you a day or two after your date? These are all the little things that make up a whole person. We would hate to be judged only on our looks or financial status, so why should be determine if someone is date worthy based only on those two factors.
Some Guys to Avoid:
Someone who only talks about money or is overly flashy, he is looking to see if that's what attracts you, or that's all he has. Avoid this guy!
A guy overly obsessed with talking about his ex. In fact, any talk of any exes on a first date, by either party, is a big NO.
If you have to ask yourself, "How many drinks has he had"?, it may be time to get the check. On a first date, getting wasted is not only unacceptable, but could be a sign of something deeper. Rule of thumb? Stick to one or two drinks. See if he does the same. While alcohol can help break the ice, it shouldn't be a crutch.
